Being Successful

There was a time when I used to read News Strait Times because there were many excellent writers that I aspire to be just like them, having my own column, writing my experiences and about life. Ahh, that was the time when NST was not as shitty as what they are now.

One of my favourite column writers that I really like at that time was the late Yasmin Ahmad. In one of her articles, she talked about being observant. According to her, if you want to be successful, make sure that you are observant. It was quite difficult for me to understand the concept at that time, but now it seems to clear to me that maybe it is true, you have to be observant to be successful.

If you are a parent, you have to be observant, then you will know if your kids are being bullied at school, unhappy about something or as something simple as knowing what your kids like so that you can get their presents for their birthday. Or if you are the kids, you have to be observant, so that you know the times that your parents are not busy and won't be angry at you if you want to ask for a permission for extra pocket money for that weekend movie outings.

If you are a teacher, you have to be observant so that you will know if your students are very sleepy or look bored while listening to you. By then, you know that you have to take some break or crack some jokes to make sure that the students are actually paying  some attention. If you are the student, you have to be observant so that you know how your teachers mark your mark and what is the best way for you to get the highest mark.

If you are someone who is already married, then you really have to be observant so that your partner won't be angry at you for lying on bed without taking your shower first or not closing the toilet door once your are done.

Being observant requires you to focus and observe or listen to what people are saying or doing. If you are actually being observant to what I have written just now, you might realise that I did not mention anything about money because being successful is more than just being rich and that includes making someone that you care about happy.

100% Right For Each Other

"..your father and I, we're not even 90% right for each other. Not even 60, okay? But he's the love of my life. And right now the love of your life is going to fly away and I bet somewhere in the back of your mind, you're thinking that she'll always be there if you want to try again, but you know what? She wont, because she's the goddamned best! And some lucky guy is going to make it work with her no matter what. - Tom's mom"

Last night, I watched The Five-Year Engagement. Yeah, I know it's kinda late. I have been wanting to watch it since I saw the trailer but somehow it slipped out of my mind and I just remembered about it last night.

So it was about a couple who is not sure if they really want to get married as they think that they don't really suit each other and that they better if they end up with someone else. I'm not here for the review. For movie reviews, you can read my other blog, Dramatic Durian. What I really want to talk about is about finding your life partner.

I am lucky that I am married to someone who I have known for so long, knowing her for almost one decade before I got married to her. We got our differences, there are things that I like but they will bore her to death, and the same thing applies to me that I can't stand watching Vampire Diaries for more than a minute but that is her favourite series. And seriously, that is OK as we don't really need to pretend that we have the same interest. Just like what Tom's mom said, you don't need to be 100% right for each other to know that that person is the love of your life. If you need to do that, then there are two possible consequences.

First, you will never get married. Or maybe it will take a very, very long time for you to get married. You have to make sure that that someone really suits you or you might even resort to dating websites. You know, the ones where we can state the criteria that we want and they will try to match them with what we want. I mean, why would you want another you? Someone who likes every single thing that you like? Might as well you clone yourself. But of course, there should be some traits that are attractive to you but you have to give and take, you can't expect someone to have all the criteria that you have listed in that small book of fantasy of yours. Yes, I know you have that.

The other possible outcome from this is that you will get married but you will try your best to like whatever that your partner likes so that to appease your partner. In a way, you are forcing yourself to like something that you don't like, enduring the boredom though it's eating inside of you. So have your own personality, like something that you really like and if it is the same thing that your partner likes too, then that is a bonus of course.

So whatever it is, try to make sure that you will work it out with your partner no matter how difficult or how different you think you are from your partner. As for me, I must say that I'm married to someone who I have known for so long that I know what ticks her off and how to make her happy. I'm just lucky that I'm married to someone who I can call my bestfriend.

Growing Old With You.

True love, is like a ghost, so many people talk about it, but only a few have experienced it.

For me, my true love is certainly love at the first sight. After so many years of knowing each other, going through many heartbreaks, the hurling of anger, swearing not to call each other anymore, we know that somehow we can never get enough of each other no matter what happens.

It is not easy making that decision to get married. You will often ask yourself, "Is she the one? Do I want to spend my life with her? Do I want to grow old with her?"

But then I asked myself," How can I not get married to someone who is so understanding, someone who is always there despite my hardships and flaws, someone who knows me so well that I really think she is a psychic at times, someone who after all the stupid things I did, will still say I love you?.

Then, I told myself, "This is the one, this is the one who you want to spend your life with, the one who you want to grow old with".

And I definitely concur with that.

The Right Person

Some people asked me, " How do I know if that person likes me? How do I know if that person is right for me?".

Honestly, I can't really answer that question because it is a matter of the heart and it is not the same with everyone as there can be many factors involved. But what I do know is that when it comes to men, men would work their ass off if they like a woman, while women would always stick to their man if they know that the man is the person that they want to be with.

How do you know that a man really likes a woman? He works for it. Men do not usually show their affection through words but what they lack in words they compensate with actions instead. As a man myself, I know that if a man really likes a woman, he would try to win her heart and this includes trying to make her happy, even if it means that you have to lose that game at the arcade so that she can mock you afterwards (and most probably she knows that you lost intentionally, but who cares, as long as she can revel in that moment of glory) or that the man would always be the one who text her first and not making her waiting for replies. Or he would work hard in getting to know her family and making sure that he remembers their name, so that he won't make a stupid mistake later. That is in the process of getting to know each other, of course. But when it comes to getting married, men should still work hard even though he knows that she would want to marry him. There is no such thing as letting your guards down. So I am not so sure what is the fuss about duit hantaran for weddings, as long as it does not come to a point where the man can barely afford it lah. While I do think that the amount asked should be appropriate to that man's ability to provide, the man should  try to fulfill the request, as long as it is not ridiculously high and disproportionate to that man's income. I mean if that man can at least try  to fulfill that request, we know that the man will do what it takes to get married to that woman.

We know the old age phrase that, " Behind every successful man, there is a woman" which really sums it up nicely : Women would always stick to their man, even during their ups and down. I have seen so many women having a husband who I would categorise as a total douche but these women won't just leave them and would still be with their husband, which really left me flabbergasted when there are so many better men out there. I guess this is one of the characteristics of women, they will always be with their man no matter that the place that they live is like hell rather than heaven. I personally know a couple, the man was ( I really hope I'm using the correct tense here) a drug addict. The woman is a very nice woman, always smiling though sometimes when I look at her, I know that she is in much pain. So they got married, which I thought is good because his wife might be able to guide her  and that he might be able to shake off his old habits because he is a family man now. But of course, old habits are like Bruce Willis movies, they don't seem wanting to die easily. So he was involved in a lot of run ins with the cops, brought to correctional centres and was even involved in some thefts. But even with everything that had happened, she persevered and she stayed with the husband of hers and not leaving him all alone. After few years, after two or three kids, he seems better now and I guess he has learned his lesson. At the same time, she is still with him, not leaving him even during his darkest hours. This is the type of woman who really loves her man and you can't ask for a more solid proof than that.

Not everyone has the chance to be in love, especially true love. True love, is like ghosts. So many people talk about it, but only a few have actually encountered it. So if someone does not know to appreciate what one has, that is actually that person's loss. A big loss, I would say.

Superhero

I am on my Raya and Merdeka holiday right now so for two weeks I'm at my lovely home, a very long break from my work. So the other day while watching a movie on my laptop, my niece, Zahra, came to me with a box in her hand. "Uncle," she said, "I have a present for you". She opened the box and there was a Superman figurine which her mother bought from McD in it.



A Superman? That's good. I guess she wants me to be her superhero then. Unfortunately, I am anything but superhero. But I guess, for kids, you are already a superhero for them when you can show them that you can listen to what they have to say or always be there when you need them.

I am not married yet and I have no idea what kids really need from their fathers. But if I can make a guess, it is not enough just to provide the materials for the kids, but also to talk to them, or simply interacting with them. I mean, how do you expect kids to listen to you when you do not take the time to listen to them and dismissing them without giving them a chance to express themselves? I have seen too many cases where fathers who are supposed to be with their kids 'delegated' the job to either their wife or their mother/mother in law. I just hope that if I ever get to be a father one day, I will not just provide the money but also my time and never to make my kids longing for my presence in their lives. That is the worst part, when your kids do not even care if you are around them.

I am lucky in some way as I at least have a healthy relationship with my father. We have small talks and we discuss things. It is a pity when people who still have their parents do not even care about their parents or ask how their day was. That is the least that you should do. Karma will hit you big time later when you have kids and your kids do not even care about you, that is what I fear the most. How you treat your parents will almost certainly have some impact on how your kids will treat you in the future. There is this story about a man who takes care of his parents even when his parents have turned into pigs as his parents had committed sinful acts that they are transformed into pigs. Yet, he still took care of his parents and they were rewarded in the afterlife.

In in the end, when you fail to appreciate what you already have, neglecting those who you are supposed to cherish and love, do not be surprised when things do not go according to your plans. We might have plans but God is the one determining how it will turn out later on. For that, I am blessed for those who I have right now.

Saving Others Starts With Yourself

So another fancy video pops up from nowhere. But now, this video is not about Kony anymore. It is now about Islam and proselytism. Talk about the timing, really. It is released when Ramadhan has just started and Muslims are very enthusiastic on doing our best in this holy month of Ramadhan. But seriously, another attempt in making another viral video?

While the intention is good,there are some flaws or questions that need to answered here.

1. 2 million Muslims leaving Islam for Christianity each year? Based on this, the rate that Christianity grows does not reflect that, at most 6 millions in 5 years (2005-2010), which we are not even sure if all the 6 millions are Muslims who have converted to Christian. Meanwhile, Islam has seen an exponential growth of around 17 millions in 5 years (2005-2010). 2 millions per year? Thats a bit of an exaggeration,isnt it?

2. The fault should be at Muslims who neglect those who are in trouble. Seriously, what is the use of the zakat money then? Why blame those who are in trouble and get love and support from those who are not Muslims and attracted to Christianity? Why blame the Christians who proselytize? Blame the Muslims who are too lazy to care about others and neglect those who are in need. It is not something new really. In Malaysia, we have Hassan Ali talks about Christians trying to convert some Muslims by offering help and such. So how about other Muslims then? Why aren't Muslims helping other Muslims by utilizing the zakat money to those in need? It is not for a Minister to use it for his lawyer fees, that is for sure. I have had some experience in being involved with organizations which give out free food to homeless and those who are less fortunate and based on what I have seen, very few Muslims take up the initiative to be involved in this kind of programme. It is better for those who are reluctant to join to just stay in the mosque and listen to ceramah, I guess. So again, blame the Muslims who are not trying enough.

3. You know who need the real help? The Rohingya people. They are facing threats of being killed in huge numbers and this is not an exaggerations. Many of them have to leave Burma and to find somewhere safe where they won't be persecuted due to their ethnicity. Some of them are even here in Malaysia. Ahh, that is good to hear, right? Right here in Malaysia, a country where the Muslims are the majority. Wrong. Absolutely wrong. Malaysia has not signed the 1951 Refugee Convention agreement thus these refugees do not have the basic rights of a refugee and this also leads to many cases of abuse of power where they can be detained and treated as illegal immigrants. Of course, there are some discretion by the Immigration Department but cases of abuse of power is not something that is rare.

So how can you help them? One way is to get the Government of Malaysia to sign the agreement thus the Rohingya can actually be helped. If you really are concerned about Muslims, this is the way. Not just sharing videos and sitting there and hoping a miracle will happen. Life does not work that way. It requires action, not just mere words.

The Preparations

There are times when at one point, one event will change your whole life. For me, many events have shaped my life and made me as who I am today. But later this year, there will be another defining event that will definitely open a new chapter in my life : getting married.

Yes, getting married. It is not as easy as I thought it should be. I mean, you have so many preparations and as of now, I think I'm only half done with what I'm supposed to do. I already got the money ready, the gifts, the venue and some other things. But of course that is only the tip of the iceberg. I have never realized that you got so many things to do before you can actually get married. Isn't it better if we can just go to the Islamic Department and have our solemnization and done with it? That would be easier I guess.

So some of my friends and colleagues already know that I am getting married end of this year. So hopefully they bring LCD TV 40 inch with them as gifts can come to my wedding. Hehe. Of course, there would be situations where you would get advice from married people, such as how to organize my wedding, where to do the HIV test, where to go for my honeymoon and stuffs. But I guess there are two advice that would be special to me as it is related much to what should be done once I get married.

A colleague of mine, a woman in her 40s, told me first thing that I should do to prepare myself is not to have big houses, big cars or even a lavish wedding. The thing that I should do is to always read the Quran, An-Nisa specifically. Oh, it must be so that I can understand women better, right? I answered, trying to be a smart ass, remembering some of the verses from the surah. No, she said, it is so that you can lead your wife better. It struck me, that once I'm married, I'm responsible of whatever that my wife does, that it is not enough just to take care of myself, I must also remember I have someone else who would depend on me, that I'm going to be the leader of the family, the leader of my wife. Remember, she continued, not only that you would have to read it, you must also understand what the surah actually means. Read the translation too, she reminded me.

O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may take away part of the dower ye have given them,-except where they have been guilty of open lewdness on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good. But if ye decide to take one wife in place of another, even if ye had given the latter a whole treasure for dower, Take not the least bit of it back: Would ye take it by slander and a manifest wrong? And how could ye take it when ye have gone in unto each other, and they have taken from you a solemn covenant?

An-Nisa: 19-21

Of course, when people read the surah, some men would know that it talks about how men are allowed to get married to one women, that polygamy is OK in Islam. But what many opt to ignore is that it also talks about to be fair to your wife(s), to treat them well, not just to see the bad in them while ignoring the good in them. I mean, of course no one can be a perfect partner, but at least with some effort, we can work it out. No one says that marriage is like a bed full of roses. In fact, it is like someone who has a cat as a pet, sometimes the cat would shit on the bed. But would you just let it stay there and not making an effort in cleaning it? How many men would say thank you to his wife when she cooks for him? Or how many women would actually ask if the husband is tired after a day of hard work, being the breadwinner of the family? Appreciation would go a long way in making each other happy.

A few days ago, I met a friend of mine, who just got married last year. A good man, he is, I have known him for 7 years now. He told me, when you get married, the most important thing that you should do is to have more knowledge about the religion compared to your wife. As the leader of the family, the husband should be able to say what is right and what is wrong, but of course it must be based on something, and in this case it should be based on what guides them, the religion. Somehow I remembered about an interview of this old man, who was asked, what is the secret that he is still together with his wife after all these years? Always solat together, he answered firmly, with the husband as the imam and the wife as the makmum. To think of it, there might be some truth there. How can you be a leader of the family if you can't even lead your wife in solat?

Ahhh, so many things to be considered now. I guess I need to prepare more for my marriage life too, not just in getting married. Looking at the current circumstances, it is not getting married that worries me, it is staying married that worries me more.