The Preparations

There are times when at one point, one event will change your whole life. For me, many events have shaped my life and made me as who I am today. But later this year, there will be another defining event that will definitely open a new chapter in my life : getting married.

Yes, getting married. It is not as easy as I thought it should be. I mean, you have so many preparations and as of now, I think I'm only half done with what I'm supposed to do. I already got the money ready, the gifts, the venue and some other things. But of course that is only the tip of the iceberg. I have never realized that you got so many things to do before you can actually get married. Isn't it better if we can just go to the Islamic Department and have our solemnization and done with it? That would be easier I guess.

So some of my friends and colleagues already know that I am getting married end of this year. So hopefully they bring LCD TV 40 inch with them as gifts can come to my wedding. Hehe. Of course, there would be situations where you would get advice from married people, such as how to organize my wedding, where to do the HIV test, where to go for my honeymoon and stuffs. But I guess there are two advice that would be special to me as it is related much to what should be done once I get married.

A colleague of mine, a woman in her 40s, told me first thing that I should do to prepare myself is not to have big houses, big cars or even a lavish wedding. The thing that I should do is to always read the Quran, An-Nisa specifically. Oh, it must be so that I can understand women better, right? I answered, trying to be a smart ass, remembering some of the verses from the surah. No, she said, it is so that you can lead your wife better. It struck me, that once I'm married, I'm responsible of whatever that my wife does, that it is not enough just to take care of myself, I must also remember I have someone else who would depend on me, that I'm going to be the leader of the family, the leader of my wife. Remember, she continued, not only that you would have to read it, you must also understand what the surah actually means. Read the translation too, she reminded me.

O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may take away part of the dower ye have given them,-except where they have been guilty of open lewdness on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good. But if ye decide to take one wife in place of another, even if ye had given the latter a whole treasure for dower, Take not the least bit of it back: Would ye take it by slander and a manifest wrong? And how could ye take it when ye have gone in unto each other, and they have taken from you a solemn covenant?

An-Nisa: 19-21

Of course, when people read the surah, some men would know that it talks about how men are allowed to get married to one women, that polygamy is OK in Islam. But what many opt to ignore is that it also talks about to be fair to your wife(s), to treat them well, not just to see the bad in them while ignoring the good in them. I mean, of course no one can be a perfect partner, but at least with some effort, we can work it out. No one says that marriage is like a bed full of roses. In fact, it is like someone who has a cat as a pet, sometimes the cat would shit on the bed. But would you just let it stay there and not making an effort in cleaning it? How many men would say thank you to his wife when she cooks for him? Or how many women would actually ask if the husband is tired after a day of hard work, being the breadwinner of the family? Appreciation would go a long way in making each other happy.

A few days ago, I met a friend of mine, who just got married last year. A good man, he is, I have known him for 7 years now. He told me, when you get married, the most important thing that you should do is to have more knowledge about the religion compared to your wife. As the leader of the family, the husband should be able to say what is right and what is wrong, but of course it must be based on something, and in this case it should be based on what guides them, the religion. Somehow I remembered about an interview of this old man, who was asked, what is the secret that he is still together with his wife after all these years? Always solat together, he answered firmly, with the husband as the imam and the wife as the makmum. To think of it, there might be some truth there. How can you be a leader of the family if you can't even lead your wife in solat?

Ahhh, so many things to be considered now. I guess I need to prepare more for my marriage life too, not just in getting married. Looking at the current circumstances, it is not getting married that worries me, it is staying married that worries me more.